Cycles, rhythms, opposites, exploration, reinstatement of yourself:

Bulimia runs on a motor all its own. It is hard to break out of the cycle because it seems like all you have to do is set it in motion to get it going full-force. How do you reinstate your autonomy once bulimia has been set in motion?

Anorexia feeds off high's of scale readings and body reinforcements. The scale is anorexia's host. What does anorexia need to be its host? The scale. The reinforcement on the body and from others. (It twists any word to sound like reinforcement or justification to keep going). If anorexia is receiving negative reinforcement that implies weight gain, it is a threat to its survival, so, being hard-wired to seek the thrill of positive reinforcement, it forces its victim to do whatever it must do, physically and pyschologically, to align itself with its mission. It needs YOU in order to survive, and in the end, when you succeed by way of death, it stands tall in your wake, never budging. How do you reclaim yourself when anorexia continually rationalizes that starving equals strength, that starving is an accomplishment, that your body is a source of pride, and that by its standards, you will never be just right? How do you stop anorexia before it has had a chance to say "you can be done now?" WhatEVER weight you are - underweight or not. How do you cut short a spiral that by all rational means tells you to quiet the opposing forces because you ARE NOT THERE YET, and it seems RIDICULOUSLY OBVIOUS. Or that you aren't worthy of eating? or that you don't need to eat? How do you loosen the grip that voice has upon you? How do you break out of its constraints when it seems to make perfect sense and, by anorexia's standards, feels so right? Anorexia says this is the most special thing you can become. It is a romanticizing force, much like a phantom. Why why WHY in the world give up something that makes you feel so special and so pure and gives you a sense of direction? Perhaps you feel like you have nothing else, no other identity to fall back on. Perhaps your body and mind are so trained to count calories and the like that at this point it feels necessary to do all the obsessive rituals just to function. It is a chase. A chase whose finish line you will never see, but who teases you with promises of grandeur, who gives you little flashes of enthusiasm.

Binge eating is a cycle and it has a rhythm, a pulse. Sometimes the effect of a binge wears off within a few days so you are detached, and doing it again feels justifiable to you, maybe not on a conscious level, but you unconsciously feel allowed to do it again. Or you do it, feel shame, and eat as a way of soothing the uncomfortable feeling of shame. There are many varieties of this cyclical sequence...

What can you do to see more clearly and break out?

You can identify the opposites. WHY ARE YOU ENTHUSIASTIC about the scale reading a lower number? because you are SCARED TO FEEL OTHERWISE. Genuine enthusiasm is not held hostage by fear. No, the absence of enthusiasm is not fear. But in your case, it is. So it can't be real enthusiasm now, can it?

What do you in your life that is not motivated by fear? That, in its absence, does not bring fear?

Or unsettlement?

or shame?

or an antsy feeling of not knowing what to do with yourself to the point where you think you'll explode?

What does that for you?

When I play music, I feel love, I feel a thrill, I feel enthusiasm, I feel connected. When I can't play music because I don't have access to a piano, I am at worst disappointed, but still motivated, so I write intsead, or do something to exercise that part of me that wants to create. I don't feel empty, I don't feel threatened, I don't feel unworthy, I don't feel shame. I don't feel fear. I don't fear not being able to play music, in that sense of "something is wrong, my worth is downgraded, I am less of a person, shit shit shit, I can't tolerate this."

On a less passionate note, I don't feel fear when I am deprived of an opportunity to see a movie or go bowling or drink tea. At worst, I might think, "That sucks, that's too bad." But no fear.

Our true natures are not mandated by our fears.

We are not our weight, our size, our disorder, our behaviors.

We are so, so much more!!!

So how, how do you get out of a cycle or a pulse that feels so regular, so second-nature, so automatic, so justifiable...when you're in it, like a hamster on a wheel (only the hamster is having way more fun!), and when you can only see forward - not sideways, not up, not down. You have tunnel vision. What now?

Expand your vision, perhaps? In Flatlands, when the two-dimensional flat people in their flat world saw a three-dimensional figure overhead, they didn't get it! What was this direction called "up," they proclaimed?! It was too preposterous to entertain. But it was intriguing!! And could not be denied. For their was something there, and whether they recognized it or not, it had shaken reality as they knew it.

Your reality can be shaken. Or, you can be shaken out of your reality. How can you begin to do this? What is there around you, what doorways yet unidentified, what directions uncharted, what windows, what light, what voices, what rooms, are to your left, to your right, upwards, downwards? What protects you? What exudes from you? We have light that we cannot physically see. We have faith that allows us to tap into another dimension that perhaps we cannot get to through a door or window. Faith allows us to tap into a dimension that requires no such entrance-way. We don't have to look for it outside of ourselves. We have it inside us, and it surrounds us, and we don't have to visibly see it, but knowing and trusting its presence can help us construct our way along its path.

We have internal reserves that have long been dormant, just as our faith might have long been dormant. Its a matter of awakening these internal reserves, this faith, this light, whatever you can let guide you.

This is not a religious blog - these are all options. Recognizing the faith is one way of doing it. Analyzing the dimensions is another. Its about seeing the yet-unseen. That which is right there, or that which we can find by looking to the left, to the right, to the ceiling, to the floor. and diagonally.

This is a visual taken from the movie "Cube 2: Hypercube": If you and another are in two adjoining rooms, connected by a window, and you can each see other in that window, the following might occur: you might see the other person as moving abnormally slow, while you are sitting there operating at a normal pace. Flash to the perspective of the other person, and they might see you as moving abnormally fast, while they see themselves as moving at a normal pace.

There a million perspectives - not just your own. Find your windows. Find your opposites. All the opposite can come together and form you. Its all you. You are more than this single tunnel vision. Its warped. Its an illusion. You are multi-faceted, you are present in ways you don't perceive at this moment.

Its not about the food. Its not about the body. The food and the body are shields. The great stuff is the storm underneath. Stop using the shield to block the storm. When you let the dam break, when you put down the shield, and the storm comes through, it brings not only hardship, but gifts. Its a precious storm and you are worthy of receiving the goodness and rebirth it brings.

ONE MORE THING:

You don't have to, nor should you be expected to, do it alone!!!! That is way too much for any one person to take on. At times it really is impossible. And you are not to blame for that!!! My goodness, not one bit.

I think every disorder can have their according analogy, but here is one for bulimia:

Bulimia is like being in a washing machine. You are forever tossed around, cyclically, tumbling, with no way out. You cannot open the door because it is locked from the outside.

This is where you need to rely on someone outside the machine to open the door.

Thanks for reading. :)

Today is Hurricane Irene Day in New York, and we are bracing for some serious action. So I've decided to create some action of my own (take that, Irene!) and create my first interactive blog.

And so the question is...

What do you like about yourself? Eh? Surely you like something about yourself. If you can't think of anything, please see my latest WeRFreedomfighter's video about self-esteem:   (http://youtu.be/XCPwOzxymMo), and then have another go. ;)

So...what do you like about yourself?

Some options - feel feel to add your own.

Strength, intelligence, sense of humor, dorkiness, nurturance, talent (please specify - we want to know) :) openness, ability to connect with and / or help others, intuition, sensitivit, quirkiness, sociability, passion, drive, patience, gentility...

Shout it out. <3 Jenn.

http://youtu.be/ZFAlETqC7Uc